I'm having a hard time staying focused lately. Maybe it's the constant roller-coaster of emotions, the miserable chaos of the world, or my head just likes to fuck with me whenever I start to feel genuinely productive and in control of what I'm doing.
I keep starting, getting really swept into, and then abandoning ideas and projects one after the other. Nothing maintains my interest, my inspiration, or my heart long enough to really get anything finished. Shit, if you'd seen even half of the crazy-pants ideas I've dabbled with in the past month! Part of the reason I haven't posted recently is because my brain can't seem to make up my mind what exactly I'm doing at the moment. (I'm pretty sure I'm typing a blog post - but who really knows?)
I'm glad most of those wacky schemes and plot-lines fizzled out in hindsight - I'm too all over the place with my work as it is...
But I'm being cryptic for no reason again. Let's just say I'm having a really hard time feeling devoted to any particular project right now. I'm in one of those funks where the universe sucks, everything is putrid shit, and why do I waste so much time doing this to myself...?
The world may never know!
I've been here before, and I know it will pass - but in the meantime, I'm gnashing my teeth like a caged animal with no fucking idea what to do. It's so frustrating I want to scream, but screaming for no reason in the silence of my office would probably scare the crap out of my kids playing in the next room, so I'm going to bite my tongue and do one of those internal high-pitched screeches and cover my eyes for a sec while I regain my cool...
My brain keeps spewing out random crap ideas, at the same time avoiding the projects I really need to work on and finish. It's driving me up the wall with frustration, because I've got so much going on in my head and no place to direct it.
Too many ideas... no impetus to pounce on any of them.
I've started thinking perhaps it's boredom - not with writing, which I can't seem to function without, but is instead with repeating the same cycle for the past few years and getting the same outcome of nothing. It's gotten tedious, and it's starting to feel like a pathetic waste of energy.
I want to try new things with my work. I love learning new skills, adding to the experiences of my life to grow and become a better version of myself. (That's how I look at it - you are free to interpret your experiences as you please.)
I'm going to try a few different projects in the coming months, including the possibility of giving traditional publishing an honest shot with one of my other works. I think it's an experience I should have at least once. Can't say you're for or against something unless you've at least experienced enough of it to form your OWN opinion.
And there's another reason things are tumultuous in my life right now, making me feel restless and anxious... in need of change.
I've got two weeks until my world and my schedule shift in my favor for the first time in years. That's right, my youngest finally starts school with his older sister. I regain my freedom for a blissfully silent, perfect for uninterrupted work, six WHOLE hours a day, five days a week. OH MY GOD, I've waited for this day so long... and now it's so close I'm practically drooling....
HOWEVER, this also opens me to possibly of picking up another daytime job - which means the complete OPPOSITE for my writing time and schedule. I need the work, and my family needs the money. I still haven't quite decided how I'm going to manage - so for now, I'm gearing up to try and get as much writing / editing done as I can come September, with the anticipation that these are my last free months to make a change or wrap things up - depending on the outcome. I'll likely have figured it out by the end of the year.
Then there's also the excitement of my little guy finally starting school. My babies aren't babies anymore! I'm feeling a little teary-eyed thinking about it. I'll miss my baby, but he really needs to spend more time with other kids, and less time attached to his weirdo mom. *sigh* They grow up so fast. To think, when I first started "Adventures in Insomnia" he was still kicking and thumping me from inside my belly.
I'm going to go have a mom moment real quick and hug my kids.
Until next time,
P.S. I promise I'll be back soon! Not gonna go and disappear again quite yet. As a matter of fact, I have some fun stuff planned for next week to make up for being a lazy hermit all of August! Thanks for reading!