Welcome to the Mind of Everyn Kildare:

All Work and No Play...

If you haven't met her before (in my previous post about my current feline companions in residence) this adorable little mound of fur and fluff is Elora. She is desperately trying to seduce me into burying my hands into her softness after a long day of work (and not petting her all day because I am working is apparently not an acceptable excuse.)

And why am I randomly plastering my blog with cute kitty pics again? Errrm, probably because I've been SO busy that I really don't have anything else prepared to share, but it's been a few weeks since my last post and I don't want to neglect my writing just because I need sleep, and exercise and probably a nice night out getting soused and acting like a dumb-ass (all to clear the craziness from my system so I can go back to laser-sharp focus again - of course!)

While I have not been scribbling away at my own work this past month, I have been doing a lot of other 'things". By "things" I mean writing for other people. Mostly freelance work.

I've got a confession: I actually kind of like it, and I just suddenly decided that that is what I'm making this post about instead of just making shit up as I go along because I feel guilty for not posting for over two weeks... (and if you're only here for the cute kitties: don't worry I've got plenty more tails and whiskers to adorn this pathetic blog post as I go along.)

January 1st I started putting my neck out there and offering my services for creative writing, editing, articles - whatever I find mildly interesting and wouldn't mind getting paid for. I'm now getting offered more freelance work than I can keep up with, which, as flattering as that is, makes it very difficult to find time for my own projects - particularly when deadlines for things that might actually pay my rent loom over my head. In order to keep from neglecting one thing in favor of another I'm trying to get on a schedule for my blogging / Wattpad etc.

Yes, I'm tricking my stubborn brain into co-operating again. I figure, If I'm adding my own deadlines to the mix they're more likely to get handled instead of being pushed into the unforeseeable future when "I'll have more time." HAHAHAhahaHAHA... ha... ha... more time...

Sorry, that "time" line was too much. I'm laughing AND typing laughter simultaneously. I feel like a real honest-to-hades dork right now!

But back to the point:

Having these freelance gigs - something I can reliably work on with the guarantee of payment at the end (unlike my personal projects which never earn what I put into them monetarily or time-wise,) has been very liberating. It has also allowed me to finally lift that financial need off my own writing, enabling me to see my projects through a different lens - not the "I have to make this like this and cater to this audience and meet these tropes and expectations or no one will like it and I won't be able to buy groceries". That shit is exhausting, and annoying, and it kills all the joy out of it.

Now the lens is seeing things more, "I'm going to make this project the way I need it to be. I'm going to write it the way I feel pulled to do so - and only then, when the anticipation of the 'other's gaze' has been removed, will I be ready to share it."

At that point my job as creator is done and the reader takes up the rest of the journey. I don't think I work well the other way around. It stalls me. It panics me. Whether a work finds an audience or not needs to be completely independent of the project while in progress - and from now on that concern will belong only in the aftermath of its creation.

See? Liberating. I'm going to expose this phenomenon further:

A few years ago I started another pen name, Wicked Red, which I used to publish some experimental works I'd been playing with - specifically, an erotic fantasy time-traveling adventure serial starring a lot of pirates and shape-shifters... and possibly even a hot ass rock-star who burns people with his touch. I had A LOT of fun writing it, and part of that fun was the pure joy of working on a project that defied all logic in terms of length, topic, genre etc. I did it for fun - because I was inspired to do so.

Wait - one sec... here's another obligatory kitty pic:

We're sticking with an Elora-theme today - because she's my special little stalker.

For the first time in years I'm feeling inspired and excited with ALL of my work - not just my writing. My brain is on fire with ideas every day. It's actually kind of exhausting / exhilarating. Yesterday I wanted to write poetry. Today I want to sculpt. Last week I woke up at 3am desperately needing to paint. It's gotten a little out of control and I'm reveling in every second of it. Years of pent-up ideas have been flooding out too fast for me to keep up. But I'm also exceedingly cheerful and getting along with the people in my life with a clarity I haven't had in just as long. I needed this. It's good for me, and the new revelations and happy epiphanies that come along with it have spurred me to tackling 2018 head on.

I'm working on my bubblegum chewing... ya'll know the rest!

Thanks for putting up with another of my rants.

#EverynKildare #writerproblems #creativestruggles #amwriting #authorbehindthescenes #everyn

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